WARNING: This story is based on the REALLY BIG SPOILER for 'Requiem', so if by some miracle you have managed to avoid the REALLY BIG SPOILER--don't read this yet! I wrote this because I was so glum over the rumors going around before David signed for next season, and I needed to make myself laugh. I hope it does the same for you. Laura For the Good of Mankind by Laura Castellano laurita_castellano@yahoo.com Rating: R for language, I guess Disclaimer: Not mine, never were, never will be Archive: Sure Spoilers: for 'Requiem' - yeah, I know, it hasn't aired yet--so sue me, I live in a trailer and I've got a negative balance in my checking account ;) Keywords: Humor, MSR? Could you call this MSR? How about M/S RST in the making? But you don't actually get to see anything, which is why it's not rated NC-17 (sorry). Actually, there is some discussion of Mulder's fine nekkid behind, but that's about it...well, and that plastic surgery thing... ----- For the Good of Mankind Laura Castellano ----- "Get in the car." As she spoke, she pointed her weapon at him, held steadily, ready to fire a bullet into his chest should he even begin to disobey. He had no intention of angering her further while she held a gun on him--she'd proven in the past that she would shoot if need be. "Scully, what the hell are you doing?" he demanded, raising his hands instinctively, then, when he realized what he was doing, lowering them in a fit of stubborn pride. Besides, it was the only way to save the towel that was about to fall from his waist, and a man had to preserve *some* dignity, after all, even if a woman half his size was pointing a weapon at him. "I'm taking matters into my own hands," Scully told him, a fierce scowl adorning her pretty face. "You men--" with a jerk of her head she indicated the smoking man, Skinner, and Alex Krycek, all pressed against the wall, staring at her in shock, (for the idea that Scully would pull a gun on her partner in this instance was ludicrous--shouldn't she be weeping, pleading with him not to leave her? There was no indication of the womanly emotion they'd all expected.) "--have mucked things up for me for the last time. Now get in the car, Mulder, before I pull this trigger. Don't think I won't do it." "But Scully, why?" He was aghast--they'd been having a meeting, the four men, refining the details of their plan wherein Mulder would offer himself up for abduction and experimentation, for the good of mankind, naturally, and just as he'd begun to feel a fierce pride and determination to do what must be done, his diminutive partner had entered, pulled a gun on them and threatened them all. The fact that none of them was armed at the time was a mere fluke--suddenly the sauna at the local gym seemed a stupid place to have a meeting. "Look, Mulder, either you can step outside, put your clothes on, and come with me quietly, or I shoot one of your buddies here and you get to leave in a towel, after the noise summons all the employees." As she spoke, she spared a special glare for Krycek and the smoking man--Skinner she bore no real animosity toward, although he had pissed her off more times than she could count. He'd also helped her retrieve Mulder's cute little ass from trouble on more than one occasion, so shooting him was really not the done thing. She could choose, however, between Krycek, who'd had something to do with her abduction, who had certainly been involved in the killing of her sister, and who had tried to abandon Mulder in a Russian prison camp, or she could kill the man who had arranged her abduction--*twice!*--who had thwarted them at every turn, and who had had the audacity to undress her while she slept the drugged sleep he'd induced in her, after lying and playing her for a fool. It had been hell getting back on Mulder's good side after *that* little fiasco. Mulder, after returning her glare with an equally menacing one of his own and making no impression upon her whatsoever, decided that, since she was the only one who was armed, perhaps he should give her a chance to explain her side of things. "Fine," he said grumpily. "Just quit pointing that gun at me, will you? My shoulder still aches in rainy weather, you know." She stood back to allow him to exit the sauna, ignoring his whining complaint, and as soon as he was out of the small steam room, she slammed the door, locking it from the outside with the padlock that hung conveniently there. It did not occur to Scully to wonder why on earth a sauna should be equipped with an outer padlock--she simply decided it was high time the gods were with her instead of against her and slammed the lock shut. "Can I get dressed now?" Mulder asked, nodding toward his clothes which were lying on the bench, and she glanced at them. If it had been a t-shirt and those tight jeans that always made her so hot, she'd have said yes, but seeing it was the suit he'd worn to work that morning, she shook her head. "Nope, sorry," she said, shaking her head. "Move." He gaped at her. "Scully, I don't have anything on under this towel!" he hissed, glancing around in embarrassment to make certain they'd not been overheard. It was late afternoon, and the gym was all but deserted, the lunchtime crowd having left and the dinnertime crowd yet to arrive. She grinned, and it was a feral grin. It struck him suddenly that he wasn't the only member of their partnership who had gone to bed frustrated on too many nights. "Then you'd better hold that towel tightly," she told him without pity. "Now, walk." Seeing that she was wearing her 'I've-made-up-my-mind-don't- fuck-with-me' face, he sighed and turned, walking slowly toward the door. He didn't turn around to see her behind him, but he knew she was there, he could feel her. He could also smell her perfume, which always did uncomfortable things to his cock when it was trapped inside his pants. Now, swinging freely, it began to take notice, and he tried to think of the Knicks' latest trouncing to take his mind in another direction. It didn't help much, since his mind naturally wanted to yell, "Score!" As they passed the desk, the proprietor of the gym looked up from the book he was reading, an expression of confusion turning rapidly to panic crossing his face. "FBI," Scully snapped, jerking out her badge with one hand, with the ease born of years of practice. "Go about your business." "Yes, ma'am!" the proprietor said, eyes wide and following as Mulder was marched out into the busy street wearing nothing but a towel. It was understandable, Scully reflected later, that there was a slight fender-bender--in fact the remarkable thing was that there had been only one. After all, Mulder was a beautiful hunk of a man, and here he stood on a busy city street wearing nothing but a white towel wrapped around his hips, his tanned, muscular chest, arms and legs on full display. Removing her keys from her pocket, Scully jabbed at the button to automatically unlock the trunk. "Get in," she ordered, and Mulder spun around, grabbing at his towel and catching it just in the nick of time. "You're not serious!" he exclaimed, aghast. "In the trunk?" "You wanted to be abducted," she said with an evil grin. "I'm giving you your wish. Now do as I say before I make that towel disappear." Mulder flushed bright red, both at her words and at the sharp whistle that emanated from a passing car. Giving her another look of disbelief, he climbed meekly into the trunk. Scully whipped out the cuffs she kept in another pocket, (it was a good thing she was always able to find clothing with large pockets), and fastened them to Mulder's wrists, chaining him to the metal bar that lined the inside of the trunk. Again, it did not occur to her to wonder who in their right mind designed a car with a metal bar inside the trunk--perhaps the car had been designed with the Mafia in mind. She simply took advantage of a situation, using all the tools at her disposal. "Now, just to make sure you don't get any stupid ideas," she said evilly, and leaning over him, whipped off the towel in one swift movement. Mulder yelped and shrank back into the trunk. "Don't go anywhere," she grinned, slamming the trunk and climbing behind the steering wheel. She knew just where she would take him. Her Irish Aunt Olive (who had more Cherokee blood in her than Darryl Mootz) had conveniently left her a secluded cabin located on a private island just off the coast of Florida when she'd died just a month earlier. The minute Scully had gotten wind of the plan these men had cooked up, she'd had the cabin stocked with food and supplies, and arranged for transportation. As she drove, she shook her head in wonder that they would underestimate her so. It took her almost two days to get to Florida, what with stopping every little while to allow Mulder food and water, and to let him use the bathroom (under strictest guard, of course). She always chose a secluded rest area at which to stop, but he hurried nonetheless, convinced that someone was going to find him in the restroom, clad only in his towel, which she had generously allowed him to wear while outside the trunk. He pleaded with her to let him ride in the car, but she refused. After all, he deserved a little punishment for thinking he could put one over on her. And striking deals with Krycek and the smoking man, as well! He'd certainly given her hell over her misguided deal with the old geezer. When at last they reached the dock where Scully's trusted friend waited for her, Mulder was cramped, sore and disgruntled. She opened the trunk one last time, unfastening the cuffs, and he blinked in the bright sunlight. "Where are we?" he asked grumpily, and she gave him a sunny, Florida type smile. "We're at the place where you're going to spend your abduction," she informed him. "At least, we will be in an hour. It's actually a ways off the coast," she added, waving airily at the open water. Mulder sighed, trying to work the kinks from his back. "Scully, this has gone far enough," he insisted. "I can't believe you would sacrifice the future of mankind in this manner! You have to take me back so I can--" "Nothing's been sacrificed," she told him, pulling out her weapon again, her eyes narrowed. After all, it had been a long drive for her, too, she reasoned, and it was only natural that her temper was as short as she was. "Krycek can go in your place. Now get on the boat." "Get in the car, get in the trunk, get on the boat," he mimicked nastily. In response, she jerked the towel away, leaving him completely naked again. With another yelp, Mulder sprinted for the boat, disappearing below like a streaker at a 'seventies basketball game. Scully giggled as she recalled stories Melissa had told her of those days. Mulder surely had a better ass than the dorks Missy had gone to high school with. "Thanks, John," she said to her old college buddy as she climbed aboard his yacht, thankful that at least *one* of her friends from med school had gone into plastic surgery--damn lucrative profession. "No problem, Dana," John replied as he prepared to take them to her island. "Thanks for the use of the cabin last week. It was a nice getaway for Janie and me." "Is everything ready?" "Oh yeah, we left it all prepared for you." "Say, Mulder's not going to get into trouble down there, is he?" she questioned, staring suspiciously at the hatch down which her partner had disappeared. John grinned. "Not likely," he told her smugly. "That's nothing but an empty storeroom. The cabins are down that hatch over there." "So, if I just sit right here," she said, settling herself at the top of the stairs leading downward, "I can head him off at the pass?" John nodded, turning his attention to the yacht. Scully sat there quietly for a few minutes before Mulder appeared at the bottom of the stairs, peeking around a corner. "Scully?" he asked tentatively. "Yes, Mulder?" "Could I please have something to wear? Or my towel back, maybe?" She appeared to consider for a moment before replying, "Not until we're safely on the island. I don't want to take any chances. My island is too far out for even you to swim to the mainland. We'll be there until I'm ready to bring you back." "But Scully, this just isn't fair!" he complained. "I was supposed to be taken away by the aliens! They were supposed to do experiments and tests on me!" "Oh, don't worry, Mulder, I have plenty of experiments in mind for you." "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked suspiciously, but she only smiled and remained silent. An hour later, they docked at Scully's private island. She called to Mulder, who sullenly ignored her until she threatened to have John come down there and carry him up. Mulder had gotten a quick look at John as he raced for a hiding place, and the man was at least twice his size. He gave a resigned sigh and crept up the stairs. "Tell the gimp to turn his back," he ordered in a grouchy voice, and Scully smiled fondly, motioning for John to turn away. "You know, Mulder, John is a doctor. He's seen it all. In fact, he's a plastic surgeon." Mulder stopped short. "What are you implying?" he asked pointedly, and Scully giggled. "Don't worry, Mulder, you don't need any help in *that* department!" "I should think not!" he huffed, stalking off the boat with as much dignity as a naked man who'd been trapped in a trunk for two days by a woman half his size could muster. "Now what?" he demanded when the yacht had sped away, leaving them alone on the island. "How long are we planning to stay here?" "Oh, several months, I think," she replied, walking up the path that led to her cabin. Mulder stopped short again, (which was odd, because he was actually quite tall. It was a feat he had to stoop to accomplish.) "Months?" he gaped, gawked and gasped. "Months? But what about the tests? The experiments? Our jobs?" "Oh, I'm sure Skinner will arrange for us to have our jobs when we return. After all, we're investigating an X-file." He stopped, stared and stuttered. "We--we are?" "Why yes," she told him proudly. "How an Oxford educated man with a sky-high I.Q. could even consider something so incredibly stupid as allowing himself to be abducted by aliens! Now get up that path, Mulder. I have an experiment I want to try on you that involves whipped cream and fur-lined handcuffs." "Scully!" "Relax, Mulder. Remember, it's for the good of mankind." The End ************************************ Laura's X-Files FanFic http://members.xoom.com/lauracastell ************************************