I Love You, With Caveat by Laura Castellano First posted 15 Jun 2007 Matt/Emily Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, and I don't get paid for this stuff. I just do it for the love of the show. Summary: Some words are impossible to say. ***** There's only one thing harder than telling someone you love them, and that's telling them you don't. It doesn't seem like something a person would ever be called upon to say--"I don't love you"--but you'd be surprised. Once in a while, it's not only needed, it's required. Those three magic words were never said in my family. I guess it was always assumed we knew. I had a mother, a father, a sister, and a cat, and I loved them all. I think they loved me. I'm pretty sure the cat did. But it wasn't something you said. It was just something you did. Or didn't do. Do you know how sad it is to know someone loves you, and know you should love them back, and just not be able to make the leap? There are some days I just don't want to get out of bed, because I know I'm going to have to go to work and see my partner. My partner, who loves me. One of these days, in the not-too-distant future, he's going to work up the nerve to say the words, and then the good times are going to end. Matt isn't the kind of person who will continue on after I'm forced to say what I feel. You'd think, being a guy, he might stay in it for the sex, but I know him. It'll be over. Once he risks it all and lays his feelings on the line, I had better either be prepared to reciprocate or end this whole affair. And I'm just not ready to do that. I'm not even sure I can put what I feel into words. Part of me needs him, needs every breath I take to be about him, but the bigger part of me is afraid of being so completely swallowed up that I forget I am a separate being. I've worked so hard to become the person I am today. All those childhood years of loneliness, those years of being an outcast, and now I truly believe I am a person of worth. If you haven't been there, you can't possibly know how hard it was to become the me of today. Matt wouldn't understand. He was an athlete in high school, adored by the girls, popular with the guys--he's never known a day in his life like the ones I used to endure every day of mine. He'd try to understand, he'd want to understand, but he simply has no frame of reference for this. And I want him. God knows I want him every minute. Maybe, somewhere deep inside a part of myself I haven't yet discovered, I actually do love him. How can I say? All I know for certain is that I feel fear when I think of permanence. Something in me always wants that escape hatch. Suddenly, the need for resolution overwhelms me. I turn to him, rolling over in the bed, and shake him awake. It is 3:00 a.m. Groggily, he mutters, "What is it? What's wrong." "Nothing's wrong, Matt," I tell him, but of course that is a lie. Everything is wrong. Right and wrong at the same time. He kisses my bare shoulder, and I feel that inner shudder of passion he always inspires in me. "Love you, Em," he whispers before falling back into sleep. My mouth drops open. I didn't expect it now, in the middle of the night, right when I'm having a crisis of feeling. "I know," I whisper back. "I..." And I trail off, hoping desperately that he is too deep in slumber to realize I haven't really said a thing. End